Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Baby Blues..

Sorry for the interruption of the longest blog update ever last night, but I didn't want to put it off until the morning, because I was afraid of losing it for a third time. I can almost guarantee that if I had lost it, I would never write it again.
I'm trying to recall everything that has happened lately, but I am coming up short. There are some things that have been weighing heavily on me though.

1. It's class registration time again. To those people who say Christmas shopping is the most stressful part of their year, obviously hasn't been through college registration. If you go by the 4-year plan, I am supposed to graduate in May. The average is actually 5 years now, because of added requirements and expectations. I got really far behind because of my so-called freshman year.  I don't believe high school properly prepares you for college, because I was thrown for a loop. Classes were hard, and unlike high school, you actually have to study. Gasp!

I realize that I should have been prepared for this, but I didn't have any brothers or sisters that could warn me, and like I said high school is a joke compared to the university level of learning. I also got screwed over during my freshman advising. Those of you that go to App, I'm sure you know what a joke most of the advising department is. She made me believe that I should take classes that interest me to get the 122 hrs of credit to graduate. When I became a sophomore (which took 3 semesters because of poor grades and dropped courses, all due to not being prepared) and started seeing the advisor in my major, I was surprised to find out that was not the case. I assumed I had filled my humanities through the classes that "interest" me, but apparently, there are these things called designators. You have to have so many writing, multi-cultural, numerical data, computer, and cross-disciplinary classes, and I had no clue. I have been stressed since then because I was already behind, and now I had to make up my designators.

 So here I am, in my senior year, with only two classes left to take to complete my major, but having to stick around to fill my designators. Alas, there is good news, smothered somewhere in all of this bad. I had my advising appointment the other day, and thanks to hard work, and an awesome advisor, it looks like I will be graduating next December! Not to toot my own horn or anything, but to have such a rough start to college, a child thrown into the equation, graduating only a semester behind is a great accomplishment. Finally, after 9 semesters, I will be so happy to be out of school.

2. While school is definitely stressful, it's proving to not be as stressful as being a mom sometimes. The other day, I was hit with a tiny case of the baby blues. Kynlee woke up at her normal time, but it was way before I was ready, especially with the little amount of sleep that I did get that night.

So I was already in a bad mood, but for some reason I was feeling very lonely that day, and Corey hadn't even left for work yet. It didn't help that he was expecting his longest day of work in months. I was in desperate need of him to stay home and comfort me, but duty called, as it always does.

I can't say there was any specific reason why I was feeling so down, but it was pretty bad. I was missing my sleep, my friends, and my freedom. I was begging to just lay around all day, and hang out with anyone that night.

I'm hoping everyone knows how in love I am with my daughter and my life, but I can't help that bad thoughts creep into my head sometimes. I was confiding in a friend through Facebook who made me feel a little better about the situation. She reminded me that being a mom can be very stressful, especially if you stay at home with them most of the time. No matter what you do, bad thoughts and feelings will creep up, but that doesn't make me a bad mom, and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

I think I am just in some desperate need of me time. I love spending time with Kynlee, and I don't really want to be away from her, but the longest I have done anything without her was for a few hours to go see a movie. I'm really hoping me and Corey can go on a date night this Saturday, since he finally has a day off.

Until then, I just have to keep reminding myself that these feelings are normal, and that nothing would ever become of them, because she means more than that.

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