Saturday, February 11, 2012

Taking Bets on Who Thinks Kynlee Will Try to Kill Avett

I'm not kidding. When people find out my due date, they say how wonderful it must be to be having my children so close in age. I agree completely, it was always a dream of mine. But the closer I get to D-day the more worried I get about how Kynlee will handle everything. This will literally change her entire world. I've come to the conclusion that as long as I can keep Kynlee from killing Avett then I have succeeded as a mother. I wish I was joking. I'm scared for my son's life.

You see this face?

That's the look of death.

That look says, "take that baby back where it came from, or I will cut you."

I feel like she is at an odd age to be having a sibling. She obviously knows what babies are, and she'll kiss my tummy and say "baby," but she has also called her's and Corey's tummy baby. When I saw the positive sign, I thought by the time the baby arrives Kynlee would be old enough to understand, but the closer we get, the more I'm worried that she won't. She just know's that mommy has a big tummy that can be used for a pillow, not that her little brother is inside.

There was one point a few months ago when she got very upset over Corey paying attention to our niece and nephew. Lately, it hasn't been that bad, but this baby will be in her life day and night, and she won't always have all of Mommy and Daddy's attention. I feel so guilty sometimes because I don't want her world to change. I don't want this to turn her into a psycho toddler.

I know it will be rocky at first, especially when we first come home from the hospital, but my hope for the two of them is the kind of friendship only a brother and sister can have. I think we'll just have to dress Avett up as Mickey Mouse for the first few weeks of his life, because we all know how Kynlee feels about Minnie and her friends. I also won't be leaving them alone in the same room :)

Monday, February 6, 2012


Even though I got pregnant with Kynlee while I was still in school and it wasn't the most opportune time to become a mom, I was still so excited to be having a baby. I personally find that surprising since I had never even held a baby before I had her. I feel so guilty saying this, but I just don't have the same feelings with baby #2. I don't know what's wrong. Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed with joy that I can't wait to have him in my arms. Other times, I'm freaked out. I don't really know how to say exactly what I'm feeling without thinking I sound like an awful mother.

 When I tell people the baby is a boy, they always say something along the lines of "Oh, you must be so excited to be having one of each. How perfect?" I always agree, but sometimes I just don't feel the same way. When we were pregnant the first time, I gave Corey a hard time because I thought he wanted to have a boy, and he would resent having a girl. I feel so guilty now, because I was hoping this baby would be a girl as well. At first I was convinced that I would be happy either way, but secretly when we had our first ultrasound I was hoping for a girl. 

I have loved raising a girl. We've saved all of Kynlee's clothes in case we had another one, and I wanted so badly to have another girl to wear them. At 12 weeks pregnant, when the sonogram showed a little boy, I was so disappointed. Now, whenever we pack up any clothes that Kynlee can't fit into anymore I get so depressed. For some reason I have become so attached to them now.  It reminds me that Kynlee is getting older, and we may never have another girl to wear them. 

I've had four ultrasounds now, and another next week. Every time I've had one, I was secretly hoping maybe the doctor was wrong and we really are having a girl. I know this sounds so awful. It's not even the fact that having a girl would be easier financially. When I found out Kynlee was a girl, I was thrilled! I've always wanted to be a young mom, and raise a girl who I could be really close with. Then there was the potential of having another girl, and I was so happy. I had even picked the name Coley out. 

I feel like I'm rambling. I just want people to understand. 

Sometimes I'm uncertain that I won't be able to handle two kids that are close in age. But I honestly worry that most of my unattached feelings stem from being less than thrilled over having a boy. Ugh, I feel so awful saying that. I feel confident in saying that my feelings will change once I lay eyes on him. I really am so excited to be having another baby, I just have to get used to the fact that I will be raising a boy. I don't know anything about boys. 

Last week we went to visit with Corey's side of the family, and while we were out shopping in Winston I thought my water had broken. I didn't do anything right away because I was hoping nothing was wrong. I called my doctor and she suggested I go to the nearest hospital to get checked out because of my prior history with premature ruptured membranes. Still, I didn't do anything right away. My mother-in-law brought home pH strips from the hospital for me to test myself, and those turned out negative for amniotic fluid, which would indicate my water had indeed broken. Even though the pH strips didn't show anything, I still had a nagging feeling something was wrong so I went to the hospital in Mount Airy. I laid down on the bed to get checked by a nurse and she took one look and said "Oh honey, your water has broken." I couldn't believe it. I looked at Corey and started to freak out because I was only 30 weeks pregnant. She went to get the doctor and he had the same feelings so they started the process of getting me transferred to Forsyth Medical in Winston-Salem. It was crazy though because they tested me with pH strips and those came back negative so he did some other very uncomfortable tests and gave me an ultrasound (which was pretty cool, because he actually looked like a baby instead of an alien this time). All of the tests were showing up negative for amniotic fluid so we all agreed that I should go home and see my doctor as soon as I got back to Boone the next day. Luckily everything turned out fine, but she did schedule me for another ultrasound next week because at the hospital and at the doctor the next day I was measuring 34 weeks, when I was only 30. So I'm super excited to get another look at my baby. 

I know that story seems completely random to what I was talking about, but that experience made me realize that anything could happen. Even though I was freaked out about having a baby at 30 weeks along, I was admittedly a little excited to get to meet my son. That's the first time I've called him my son, and it feels pretty good. Because of that scare we decided we should probably get things prepared for Avett's arrival. Tax season is the best because it has made preparing for a baby much easier. 

Kynlee slept in the bassinet of a pack-n-play when she was a newborn, but recent research shows that they can actually be pretty dangerous, so we decided he'll go ahead and sleep in a crib next to our bed. Fortunately we were able to buy the same crib we bought for Kynlee so if they ever share a room, the cribs will match. For Kynlee we bought a wooden glider. While that was nice for a few minutes my butt always went numb when I was rocking Kynlee, so my amazing husband said I could get a new rocker/recliner for Avett. It's so comfortable, which is nice because I fully expect to be sleeping many hours in it when I get up to nurse Avett at night. 

The crib and bed set came in the mail the same day we picked out a new chair so we were able to set everything up this weekend. The bedroom we have now is so big that we were able to create a little nook for him, and it's so cute!

{For those who might be freaking out over the risk of SIDS, don't worry the bumpers are only for pictures right now, he won't be using them until he is more mobile months down the road}

Doesn't that chair look comfy!?

After the early delivery scare, and getting Avett's stuff set up, I have started to feel better about my apprehension. I know I'm going to love this little boy. I need to be a little easier on myself. Maybe what I'm feeling is normal, and other mothers have experienced it. Maybe not. But I feel the love I have for him once he is in my arms is more important than how I connected with him while I was pregnant. For now I'm going to look forward to seeing him on the ultrasound next week, and trust in myself that I'm a good mother, and I will show this boy more love than he can handle. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

An Update

A month and a half since I last blogged. I know. I'm not really a blogger anymore. I'm retired. But I still have to document my family's life, right? Okay fine, I'm a blogger. Just a sucky one.

How has life been? Well, it's been different. Right now I feel like we're stuck. We're in a transitional phase, but I feel like that could be changing soon. We graduated almost two months ago, and life still feels the same as before, except I never leave the house and have become somewhat of a recluse. Corey has applied for several jobs, but hasn't had much luck so far. Unfortunately with our line of study, a lot of jobs require additional certifications to even be considered for the position. If you have ever had to get certifications, then you might see our dilemma. They are freaking expensive!! If we had to have these to get a job, then they should provide students with the opportunity to get certified during the normal coursework. But what do I know? I just paid thousands of dollars to a university to find out I would need to spend a couple thousand more after graduation just to be considered as a possible applicant for a job.

I did say life might be changing though. We are currently still living in Boone until we A) get a job  B) go back to school, or C) just move somewhere and hope for the best.  After many hours crying (mostly on my part....okay, all on my part. But give the preggers a break, okay?) we have decided that Corey is going to go back to school. Hopefully soon, we'll know where, and we'll know where we're moving. As for me, my plan is grad school. I'm going to apply for UNC Chapel Hill's online master's program in maternal and child health. I'm really excited about it, and I think it would be a great field for me. The only epic downfall of that plan? The GRE (graduate record examination). I DO NOT want to take this exam, but I have to, no matter how much I kick and scream. No matter what, I feel like our lives will start to become somewhat normal soon. Sometimes things have a way of working in our favor. Sometimes it doesn't, but either way we still have each other for support, and that's what matters.

Okay, I'm done with the boring stuff, promise. Because I'm pregnant, we decided that it wouldn't be very smart for me to search for jobs, so I've become a full-time stay at home mom since graduation, and I am LOVING it! Don't get me wrong, it's tough, and super different than having Kynlee in daycare, but I'm enjoying every second of it. I love being with my girl all day, and seeing first-hand how she is growing and learning. I can't say for sure how long I'll be staying home. Ideally for a couple years, but it all depends on school and Corey's career. I at least get to stay home with both Kynlee and Avett until I start school next January. But since it's online, I might be able to longer.

I'm not really good at transitions, so I'm just going to start talking about pregnancy now. I'm almost 8  months pregnant, and I feel awesome....NOT!! I'm over it. I was this way with Kynlee about half way through. I hated being pregnant last time. I started to miss it though, so when I found out I was pregnant again I was actually excited about it. I think pregnant woman are so beautiful and I couldn't wait to feel the little baby kicks again. But now that I'm in the third trimester I am soooooo uncomfortable. I miss sleeping on my stomach and back,  and my hips hurt from having to sleep on my side all night. I'm so uncomfortable because I'm the size of a whale. Seriously, I'm bigger this time around and it's miserable. I know I said I loved the baby kicks, but Avett tries to karate chop his way out of my stomach multiple times a day. Don't even get me started on my bladder. How is it possible to pee this many times a day? I really try not to complain. I am so excited to be having another baby, but I'm done being pregnant. I'm ready to be a normal human being again.

Well, this is all for now. Kynlee's is starting to wake up from a late nap, but I'll be back. Soon this time, promise.


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