Friday, October 26, 2012

Heart Broken

It's been a long time since I've felt compelled to post anything on my blog. I want to be a blogger, I just don't think I have it in me. Not to mention I'm in serious need of a new computer. I can't type a whole sentence without having to adjust the charger to keep my computer from dying. It's a whole mess that isn't even important. For the past few months, I've shied away from blogging and I'm starting to do the same with facebook. I just haven't been in the mood to share my whole life anymore. I still occasionally post pictures of the babes for friends and family to see, and the whole facebook stalking thing hasn't gone away, but I just don't "post" much anymore.

Anyways, maybe I'll write soon to update our life since having another baby, but that's not why I'm here today. If you watch the news, or visit any social media sites, then I'm sure you've heard of the tragic story in New York involving a family's nanny. If you haven't then you will have to google it yourself, because I can't bear to write it in words. I have a horrible anxiety problem, that I haven't yet sought help for, which has me in constant fear that something horrible is going to happen to me or my family. Every time I hear a sad story of the loss of a child I become an emotional mess because I imagine it happening to me.

For some reason, the story out of New York today has reached an all new level. I've been on the verge of tears all day today just thinking of what this poor mother and father is going through. It's unimaginable, but my anxious self can't help but picturing this exact thing happening to Avett and Kynlee. It's sick. And I wish I could stop. I've been in tears the last hour just thinking of ever having to suffer the loss of one of my babies. I let Kynlee stay up extra late tonight. We laid together on the couch and I held her while she watched cartoons before bed. I told her several times that I loved her. She didn't understand my tears, she just knew she wanted to make me "feel betta".

It's so hard with young children remembering to always appreciate them. Babies are tough. Toddlers are tough. They test my limits every day. I have to constantly remind myself to step back and appreciate every second with my little ones. No matter how hard it can be to raise them sometimes.

I wish my anxiety would go away. I wish I didn't constantly fear taking long car rides with them. I wish I didn't lay awake some nights imagining different scenarios of something happening to them. I wish I didn't get upset to the point where I have to bring them in bed with me to have them close. I wish I could let go, and let God take control. He has control. I just have to remember that, and try to live peacefully. This new kind of consuming love I've been blessed with since having kids is just hard for me to manage sometimes.

I'll be holding my kids extra close as this poor family tries to somehow begin to heal from this heart-wrenching ordeal. I'm not just upset because I'm afraid of it happening to us, I am honestly heart broken for them. I wish they didn't have to go through this. I cry for those two little angels, their fate shouldn't have been handled by such a terrible monster.

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