Monday, February 6, 2012


Even though I got pregnant with Kynlee while I was still in school and it wasn't the most opportune time to become a mom, I was still so excited to be having a baby. I personally find that surprising since I had never even held a baby before I had her. I feel so guilty saying this, but I just don't have the same feelings with baby #2. I don't know what's wrong. Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed with joy that I can't wait to have him in my arms. Other times, I'm freaked out. I don't really know how to say exactly what I'm feeling without thinking I sound like an awful mother.

 When I tell people the baby is a boy, they always say something along the lines of "Oh, you must be so excited to be having one of each. How perfect?" I always agree, but sometimes I just don't feel the same way. When we were pregnant the first time, I gave Corey a hard time because I thought he wanted to have a boy, and he would resent having a girl. I feel so guilty now, because I was hoping this baby would be a girl as well. At first I was convinced that I would be happy either way, but secretly when we had our first ultrasound I was hoping for a girl. 

I have loved raising a girl. We've saved all of Kynlee's clothes in case we had another one, and I wanted so badly to have another girl to wear them. At 12 weeks pregnant, when the sonogram showed a little boy, I was so disappointed. Now, whenever we pack up any clothes that Kynlee can't fit into anymore I get so depressed. For some reason I have become so attached to them now.  It reminds me that Kynlee is getting older, and we may never have another girl to wear them. 

I've had four ultrasounds now, and another next week. Every time I've had one, I was secretly hoping maybe the doctor was wrong and we really are having a girl. I know this sounds so awful. It's not even the fact that having a girl would be easier financially. When I found out Kynlee was a girl, I was thrilled! I've always wanted to be a young mom, and raise a girl who I could be really close with. Then there was the potential of having another girl, and I was so happy. I had even picked the name Coley out. 

I feel like I'm rambling. I just want people to understand. 

Sometimes I'm uncertain that I won't be able to handle two kids that are close in age. But I honestly worry that most of my unattached feelings stem from being less than thrilled over having a boy. Ugh, I feel so awful saying that. I feel confident in saying that my feelings will change once I lay eyes on him. I really am so excited to be having another baby, I just have to get used to the fact that I will be raising a boy. I don't know anything about boys. 

Last week we went to visit with Corey's side of the family, and while we were out shopping in Winston I thought my water had broken. I didn't do anything right away because I was hoping nothing was wrong. I called my doctor and she suggested I go to the nearest hospital to get checked out because of my prior history with premature ruptured membranes. Still, I didn't do anything right away. My mother-in-law brought home pH strips from the hospital for me to test myself, and those turned out negative for amniotic fluid, which would indicate my water had indeed broken. Even though the pH strips didn't show anything, I still had a nagging feeling something was wrong so I went to the hospital in Mount Airy. I laid down on the bed to get checked by a nurse and she took one look and said "Oh honey, your water has broken." I couldn't believe it. I looked at Corey and started to freak out because I was only 30 weeks pregnant. She went to get the doctor and he had the same feelings so they started the process of getting me transferred to Forsyth Medical in Winston-Salem. It was crazy though because they tested me with pH strips and those came back negative so he did some other very uncomfortable tests and gave me an ultrasound (which was pretty cool, because he actually looked like a baby instead of an alien this time). All of the tests were showing up negative for amniotic fluid so we all agreed that I should go home and see my doctor as soon as I got back to Boone the next day. Luckily everything turned out fine, but she did schedule me for another ultrasound next week because at the hospital and at the doctor the next day I was measuring 34 weeks, when I was only 30. So I'm super excited to get another look at my baby. 

I know that story seems completely random to what I was talking about, but that experience made me realize that anything could happen. Even though I was freaked out about having a baby at 30 weeks along, I was admittedly a little excited to get to meet my son. That's the first time I've called him my son, and it feels pretty good. Because of that scare we decided we should probably get things prepared for Avett's arrival. Tax season is the best because it has made preparing for a baby much easier. 

Kynlee slept in the bassinet of a pack-n-play when she was a newborn, but recent research shows that they can actually be pretty dangerous, so we decided he'll go ahead and sleep in a crib next to our bed. Fortunately we were able to buy the same crib we bought for Kynlee so if they ever share a room, the cribs will match. For Kynlee we bought a wooden glider. While that was nice for a few minutes my butt always went numb when I was rocking Kynlee, so my amazing husband said I could get a new rocker/recliner for Avett. It's so comfortable, which is nice because I fully expect to be sleeping many hours in it when I get up to nurse Avett at night. 

The crib and bed set came in the mail the same day we picked out a new chair so we were able to set everything up this weekend. The bedroom we have now is so big that we were able to create a little nook for him, and it's so cute!

{For those who might be freaking out over the risk of SIDS, don't worry the bumpers are only for pictures right now, he won't be using them until he is more mobile months down the road}

Doesn't that chair look comfy!?

After the early delivery scare, and getting Avett's stuff set up, I have started to feel better about my apprehension. I know I'm going to love this little boy. I need to be a little easier on myself. Maybe what I'm feeling is normal, and other mothers have experienced it. Maybe not. But I feel the love I have for him once he is in my arms is more important than how I connected with him while I was pregnant. For now I'm going to look forward to seeing him on the ultrasound next week, and trust in myself that I'm a good mother, and I will show this boy more love than he can handle. 

1 comment:

  1. Courtney, You are so sweet! I love reading your blogs! I have never had a baby but i will tell you i have thought that if God blessed me with a boy when that time comes....I will be so freaked out..I wouldnt know how to handle one! You are already a great mom, and will continue to be great!




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