Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Life Updated (Part 1)

My life is completely different from when I was blogging regularly. I've had a second child, moved to a new town, and started a new job. With all the new, I haven't had a great outlet to talk about the changes. Blogging was a good thing for me because I had somewhere to express my feelings. It's good therapy.

Let's talk about the new.

The new job!

This job couldn't have come at a better time. I was feeling a little down after the move, which is a whole different topic that deserves it's own post. When Corey went back to school to study Physical Therapy, I felt a lot of pressure to find a good job. I looked for months. I started to get very upset and frustrated because either there weren't any jobs available or I didn't have enough experience for the ones that were out there. Sure, I could have worked at a restaurant or store, but it was pointless for me to work if I didn't make enough money to pay for childcare. I really tried to focus on jobs where my degree was useful, which really narrowed down an already limited market.

During four months of looking I only felt comfortable enough to apply for one job. I even felt like I was taking a shot in the dark with it. I never thought I would receive any feedback. I applied on a Saturday night, and received a phone call at 9am on Monday morning from their human resources manager. I was shocked! After getting that first phone call I started to research the company, and I started to get very excited. It seemed like an amazing place to work- nice building, good co-workers, full benefits, and not to mention a salary job!

I had a phone interview first and I got so nervous afterwards. I really thought I blew my chances. When I got off the phone, I paced around the house because I felt like it went so poorly. I ended up calling him right back. I couldn't help myself. It's like I had a word-vomit. I told him I didn't feel like I got everything across to him that I wanted to. I expressed my interest in the job more, and told him I was very happy to have received his call. The next few days were torture. I was worrying myself sick waiting for another call. I was told it could be 4-6 weeks before I heard anything. Torture, pure torture.

Two days later he called me back! He told me I had a face-to-face interview next. I was thrilled!  Over the next few days I bought a suit, and spent hours preparing. Strangely, I wasn't nervous at all. I was just anxious because I wanted to get it over with. When I walked in, I thought the building was absolutely beautiful, it got me so excited. I interviewed with two people that day, and I left feeling so confident. Still, I was told it could be a week before I heard anything. I got a call THE VERY NEXT DAY. I couldn't believe it, they wanted to do a third interview. By this point, I felt so invested in the whole process I would do anything to make that job mine.

The third interview was with 2 more people. I didn't know what to expect because I'm not used to having so many interviews. When I called Corey afterwards, the first thing I said when he answered was "nailed it!" Again though, the HR guy told me it could be another 4-8 weeks. 4-8 weeks?! Do they know what they are doing to me? I was a wreck . I know he said 4-8 weeks, but the more time that passed between the last meeting, the more I started to doubt myself. That first day afterwards, I told Corey I knew with 100% certainty, that it was my job. Two weeks later, I started to get depressed because I felt it slipping from my grasp. I guess I just expected to hear sooner because I got a call earlier than expected the last two times.

Right when I thought they chose someone else I got a call with the job offer. I was so happy. I ran downstairs after I got off the phone and jumped in to Corey's arms and just started crying. I never expected to be getting such an awesome job for my first job after college.

This is where I work!

Isn't is so pretty?! Still can't believe I work there.

I'm the new benefits coordinator for JBA Benefits, which is a part of Allegacy's Business Solutions. They provide and manage employee benefits for companies and small businesses. It probably doesn't sound like fun to you, but I love it. Everyone in the entire building is so so nice. Even the CEO will stop and talk when he sees you.

I'm feeling super lucky to have started my career. I am a much happier person these days with being able to get out of the house and have adult conversations. Not to mention provide a better life for my family. It has made me super excited for Corey to finish school so we can finally live somewhat of a normal life. I am dreaming of buying that first house soon :)

Friday, October 26, 2012

Heart Broken

It's been a long time since I've felt compelled to post anything on my blog. I want to be a blogger, I just don't think I have it in me. Not to mention I'm in serious need of a new computer. I can't type a whole sentence without having to adjust the charger to keep my computer from dying. It's a whole mess that isn't even important. For the past few months, I've shied away from blogging and I'm starting to do the same with facebook. I just haven't been in the mood to share my whole life anymore. I still occasionally post pictures of the babes for friends and family to see, and the whole facebook stalking thing hasn't gone away, but I just don't "post" much anymore.

Anyways, maybe I'll write soon to update our life since having another baby, but that's not why I'm here today. If you watch the news, or visit any social media sites, then I'm sure you've heard of the tragic story in New York involving a family's nanny. If you haven't then you will have to google it yourself, because I can't bear to write it in words. I have a horrible anxiety problem, that I haven't yet sought help for, which has me in constant fear that something horrible is going to happen to me or my family. Every time I hear a sad story of the loss of a child I become an emotional mess because I imagine it happening to me.

For some reason, the story out of New York today has reached an all new level. I've been on the verge of tears all day today just thinking of what this poor mother and father is going through. It's unimaginable, but my anxious self can't help but picturing this exact thing happening to Avett and Kynlee. It's sick. And I wish I could stop. I've been in tears the last hour just thinking of ever having to suffer the loss of one of my babies. I let Kynlee stay up extra late tonight. We laid together on the couch and I held her while she watched cartoons before bed. I told her several times that I loved her. She didn't understand my tears, she just knew she wanted to make me "feel betta".

It's so hard with young children remembering to always appreciate them. Babies are tough. Toddlers are tough. They test my limits every day. I have to constantly remind myself to step back and appreciate every second with my little ones. No matter how hard it can be to raise them sometimes.

I wish my anxiety would go away. I wish I didn't constantly fear taking long car rides with them. I wish I didn't lay awake some nights imagining different scenarios of something happening to them. I wish I didn't get upset to the point where I have to bring them in bed with me to have them close. I wish I could let go, and let God take control. He has control. I just have to remember that, and try to live peacefully. This new kind of consuming love I've been blessed with since having kids is just hard for me to manage sometimes.

I'll be holding my kids extra close as this poor family tries to somehow begin to heal from this heart-wrenching ordeal. I'm not just upset because I'm afraid of it happening to us, I am honestly heart broken for them. I wish they didn't have to go through this. I cry for those two little angels, their fate shouldn't have been handled by such a terrible monster.

Monday, March 12, 2012

9 Months and Feeling it

Yup, 9 months pregnant. I can't lie, I'm pretty miserable. The end of my pregnancy with Kynlee wasn't this hard because I was in much better shape. I was still working full-time at a pool, and working out at least three times a week. It's much harder to workout this time around with Corey working so much and not having a gym membership. I have my treadmill, but it's no where near the amount of exercise I'm used to.

Sleep is pretty rough too. Luckily I'm getting some, but I'm uncomfortable most of the night. Rolling over takes about a minute, and then there is the many trips to the bathroom. I don't see how it's possible to use the bathroom this much. Seriously, I pee about every 15 minutes. It's pretty annoying. I really try so hard not to complain because I know someone would kill to be in my situation, but it's hard not to when I have a little boy trying to karate chop his way out of  my uterus several times a day, and relaxation comes in the form of sitting Kynlee in front of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse so I can get some rest. I don't even want to talk about the contractions I've been having the past few weeks.

I'm nervous about hitting the 37 week mark next week. That's how far along I was when I had Kynlee. I'm nervous because I'm afraid that if I go past that mark then I will be a miserable mess the rest of my pregnancy. If I do go into labor early then I have a possibility of having a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean- I promise that is the last time I'll say vaginal on my blog) instead of a c-section, which would be nice!

Whenever Avett decides to come, I hope he waits until after March 23rd so Corey and I can see the Hunger Games. I know, I know, selfish! Oh well, I've been waiting about a year to see this movie, and it will be our last one for a looong time. We're going to Corey's hometown that weekend for his interview for PT school and to see the movie. With my pregnancy luck, I just KNOW that I will go into labor while we're there. That's where we were a few weeks ago when we thought my water broke. Hopefully he'll decide to wait until we're safely back in Boone though. He can come the day we get back for all I care!

I think we're actually prepared for the baby now. We got all of Kynlee's baby stuff from home this past weekend, like the swing, bouncer etc. After we got it all set up, it hit me that we're having another baby! It's so crazy that we will be a family of four in the next few weeks. I'm so excited to see Corey become a father for the second time. He is such a wonderful dad, I can't sing his praises enough. He's also a pretty good husband :) Last year when we were in Florida my point-and-shoot camera fell out of my pocket on a roller coaster and broke. I loved that thing! It was also nice to have a smaller camera so I don't have to use my big DSLR all the time. Since it broke, I just haven't taken as many pictures. I've only been using my other camera for special occasions. But coming in the mail today is my "push present" from Corey!! He bought me another smaller camera. The best part is that it's almost like a miniature version of a DSLR so I can still get the same quality images. I feel so lucky to have such a thoughtful husband.  Now I think I will go wait outside for the mail man :)

Monday, March 5, 2012

Toddler Speak Revealed

Here is what Kynlee's toddler speak means. Some of it makes no sense. 

"di-di"- cookie

"doodle-duh"- Donald Duck

"waa-waa" - Dog. Weird, I know. That's how she barks like a dog, so instead of calling it a dog, she says waa-waa. 

"wa-wer"- Water

"moo-moo ma-ma"   - More Mickey Mouse. When she wants to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse she says this with a little dance. Again, weird. 

"a-moo"- More

"a-bow"- Bow

"pweashh" - Please..This one is super adorable. 

"a-fun" - Funny

"a-pie" - Potty

"biyee" - Paci

The truth is she is actually very smart, I promise. She just has a few words where she likes to use her own pronunciation. My favorite is when she says fish or brother because it comes out so funny that she covers up her face because she's embarrassed.

I'm amazed and proud of the little girl she is becoming. We were at my sister-in-law's house one night and she was doing alphabet flash cards with her son so we could see all he has learned. Kynlee picked up a random card, pointed to the letter, and said "c". I kid you not, the letter on the card was a C. I wasn't going to jump to genius status yet because it could have been a fluke. She could have been saying "see" the card. When we got home I decided to see if she actually knew any letters. I went through and pointed to every letter to see if she knew them. She got I, O, U, C, D and E correctly. I was shocked! She had been playing with magnet letters that she got for Christmas that helps pronounce letters, and apparently teaching herself. The other day we were in the waiting room at the doctor and she pointed out "X" to us. Let me just say, hearing that child pronounce X is the funniest thing. I wonder how good she would be at the alphabet if I would stop being so lazy and worked with her more.

Potty training is actually going pretty well too. She thinks big girl panties are hilarious to wear. It would be nice to have her completely potty trained before Avett gets here, but I don't think that will happen. I have a feeling potty training will be one of the things she rebels against once she has a little brother. I figure when he is about a month old we can get serious with it again. 

I'm trying to spend as much time appreciating her this next month before he brother comes. I'm going to miss the time we have together, and I know it's going to be hard to give her special alone time with Corey working 80 hours a week. My hope is that after the initial shock of having a new baby, she will love her little brother and want to protect him and play with him. Only time will tell I guess!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Toddler Speak

I wonder if anyone besides me can decode the words that come out of Kynlee's mouth.. All of these "words" do mean something.





"moo-moo ma-ma"   -this one took me forever to figure out. There are hand and foot motions that go with it.







Those are the best ways I can guess how to spell them. Sadly, I do know what all of these mean. With Kynlee being my only human contact for the majority of the day, I feel myself getting dumber.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Taking Bets on Who Thinks Kynlee Will Try to Kill Avett

I'm not kidding. When people find out my due date, they say how wonderful it must be to be having my children so close in age. I agree completely, it was always a dream of mine. But the closer I get to D-day the more worried I get about how Kynlee will handle everything. This will literally change her entire world. I've come to the conclusion that as long as I can keep Kynlee from killing Avett then I have succeeded as a mother. I wish I was joking. I'm scared for my son's life.

You see this face?

That's the look of death.

That look says, "take that baby back where it came from, or I will cut you."

I feel like she is at an odd age to be having a sibling. She obviously knows what babies are, and she'll kiss my tummy and say "baby," but she has also called her's and Corey's tummy baby. When I saw the positive sign, I thought by the time the baby arrives Kynlee would be old enough to understand, but the closer we get, the more I'm worried that she won't. She just know's that mommy has a big tummy that can be used for a pillow, not that her little brother is inside.

There was one point a few months ago when she got very upset over Corey paying attention to our niece and nephew. Lately, it hasn't been that bad, but this baby will be in her life day and night, and she won't always have all of Mommy and Daddy's attention. I feel so guilty sometimes because I don't want her world to change. I don't want this to turn her into a psycho toddler.

I know it will be rocky at first, especially when we first come home from the hospital, but my hope for the two of them is the kind of friendship only a brother and sister can have. I think we'll just have to dress Avett up as Mickey Mouse for the first few weeks of his life, because we all know how Kynlee feels about Minnie and her friends. I also won't be leaving them alone in the same room :)

Monday, February 6, 2012


Even though I got pregnant with Kynlee while I was still in school and it wasn't the most opportune time to become a mom, I was still so excited to be having a baby. I personally find that surprising since I had never even held a baby before I had her. I feel so guilty saying this, but I just don't have the same feelings with baby #2. I don't know what's wrong. Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed with joy that I can't wait to have him in my arms. Other times, I'm freaked out. I don't really know how to say exactly what I'm feeling without thinking I sound like an awful mother.

 When I tell people the baby is a boy, they always say something along the lines of "Oh, you must be so excited to be having one of each. How perfect?" I always agree, but sometimes I just don't feel the same way. When we were pregnant the first time, I gave Corey a hard time because I thought he wanted to have a boy, and he would resent having a girl. I feel so guilty now, because I was hoping this baby would be a girl as well. At first I was convinced that I would be happy either way, but secretly when we had our first ultrasound I was hoping for a girl. 

I have loved raising a girl. We've saved all of Kynlee's clothes in case we had another one, and I wanted so badly to have another girl to wear them. At 12 weeks pregnant, when the sonogram showed a little boy, I was so disappointed. Now, whenever we pack up any clothes that Kynlee can't fit into anymore I get so depressed. For some reason I have become so attached to them now.  It reminds me that Kynlee is getting older, and we may never have another girl to wear them. 

I've had four ultrasounds now, and another next week. Every time I've had one, I was secretly hoping maybe the doctor was wrong and we really are having a girl. I know this sounds so awful. It's not even the fact that having a girl would be easier financially. When I found out Kynlee was a girl, I was thrilled! I've always wanted to be a young mom, and raise a girl who I could be really close with. Then there was the potential of having another girl, and I was so happy. I had even picked the name Coley out. 

I feel like I'm rambling. I just want people to understand. 

Sometimes I'm uncertain that I won't be able to handle two kids that are close in age. But I honestly worry that most of my unattached feelings stem from being less than thrilled over having a boy. Ugh, I feel so awful saying that. I feel confident in saying that my feelings will change once I lay eyes on him. I really am so excited to be having another baby, I just have to get used to the fact that I will be raising a boy. I don't know anything about boys. 

Last week we went to visit with Corey's side of the family, and while we were out shopping in Winston I thought my water had broken. I didn't do anything right away because I was hoping nothing was wrong. I called my doctor and she suggested I go to the nearest hospital to get checked out because of my prior history with premature ruptured membranes. Still, I didn't do anything right away. My mother-in-law brought home pH strips from the hospital for me to test myself, and those turned out negative for amniotic fluid, which would indicate my water had indeed broken. Even though the pH strips didn't show anything, I still had a nagging feeling something was wrong so I went to the hospital in Mount Airy. I laid down on the bed to get checked by a nurse and she took one look and said "Oh honey, your water has broken." I couldn't believe it. I looked at Corey and started to freak out because I was only 30 weeks pregnant. She went to get the doctor and he had the same feelings so they started the process of getting me transferred to Forsyth Medical in Winston-Salem. It was crazy though because they tested me with pH strips and those came back negative so he did some other very uncomfortable tests and gave me an ultrasound (which was pretty cool, because he actually looked like a baby instead of an alien this time). All of the tests were showing up negative for amniotic fluid so we all agreed that I should go home and see my doctor as soon as I got back to Boone the next day. Luckily everything turned out fine, but she did schedule me for another ultrasound next week because at the hospital and at the doctor the next day I was measuring 34 weeks, when I was only 30. So I'm super excited to get another look at my baby. 

I know that story seems completely random to what I was talking about, but that experience made me realize that anything could happen. Even though I was freaked out about having a baby at 30 weeks along, I was admittedly a little excited to get to meet my son. That's the first time I've called him my son, and it feels pretty good. Because of that scare we decided we should probably get things prepared for Avett's arrival. Tax season is the best because it has made preparing for a baby much easier. 

Kynlee slept in the bassinet of a pack-n-play when she was a newborn, but recent research shows that they can actually be pretty dangerous, so we decided he'll go ahead and sleep in a crib next to our bed. Fortunately we were able to buy the same crib we bought for Kynlee so if they ever share a room, the cribs will match. For Kynlee we bought a wooden glider. While that was nice for a few minutes my butt always went numb when I was rocking Kynlee, so my amazing husband said I could get a new rocker/recliner for Avett. It's so comfortable, which is nice because I fully expect to be sleeping many hours in it when I get up to nurse Avett at night. 

The crib and bed set came in the mail the same day we picked out a new chair so we were able to set everything up this weekend. The bedroom we have now is so big that we were able to create a little nook for him, and it's so cute!

{For those who might be freaking out over the risk of SIDS, don't worry the bumpers are only for pictures right now, he won't be using them until he is more mobile months down the road}

Doesn't that chair look comfy!?

After the early delivery scare, and getting Avett's stuff set up, I have started to feel better about my apprehension. I know I'm going to love this little boy. I need to be a little easier on myself. Maybe what I'm feeling is normal, and other mothers have experienced it. Maybe not. But I feel the love I have for him once he is in my arms is more important than how I connected with him while I was pregnant. For now I'm going to look forward to seeing him on the ultrasound next week, and trust in myself that I'm a good mother, and I will show this boy more love than he can handle. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

An Update

A month and a half since I last blogged. I know. I'm not really a blogger anymore. I'm retired. But I still have to document my family's life, right? Okay fine, I'm a blogger. Just a sucky one.

How has life been? Well, it's been different. Right now I feel like we're stuck. We're in a transitional phase, but I feel like that could be changing soon. We graduated almost two months ago, and life still feels the same as before, except I never leave the house and have become somewhat of a recluse. Corey has applied for several jobs, but hasn't had much luck so far. Unfortunately with our line of study, a lot of jobs require additional certifications to even be considered for the position. If you have ever had to get certifications, then you might see our dilemma. They are freaking expensive!! If we had to have these to get a job, then they should provide students with the opportunity to get certified during the normal coursework. But what do I know? I just paid thousands of dollars to a university to find out I would need to spend a couple thousand more after graduation just to be considered as a possible applicant for a job.

I did say life might be changing though. We are currently still living in Boone until we A) get a job  B) go back to school, or C) just move somewhere and hope for the best.  After many hours crying (mostly on my part....okay, all on my part. But give the preggers a break, okay?) we have decided that Corey is going to go back to school. Hopefully soon, we'll know where, and we'll know where we're moving. As for me, my plan is grad school. I'm going to apply for UNC Chapel Hill's online master's program in maternal and child health. I'm really excited about it, and I think it would be a great field for me. The only epic downfall of that plan? The GRE (graduate record examination). I DO NOT want to take this exam, but I have to, no matter how much I kick and scream. No matter what, I feel like our lives will start to become somewhat normal soon. Sometimes things have a way of working in our favor. Sometimes it doesn't, but either way we still have each other for support, and that's what matters.

Okay, I'm done with the boring stuff, promise. Because I'm pregnant, we decided that it wouldn't be very smart for me to search for jobs, so I've become a full-time stay at home mom since graduation, and I am LOVING it! Don't get me wrong, it's tough, and super different than having Kynlee in daycare, but I'm enjoying every second of it. I love being with my girl all day, and seeing first-hand how she is growing and learning. I can't say for sure how long I'll be staying home. Ideally for a couple years, but it all depends on school and Corey's career. I at least get to stay home with both Kynlee and Avett until I start school next January. But since it's online, I might be able to longer.

I'm not really good at transitions, so I'm just going to start talking about pregnancy now. I'm almost 8  months pregnant, and I feel awesome....NOT!! I'm over it. I was this way with Kynlee about half way through. I hated being pregnant last time. I started to miss it though, so when I found out I was pregnant again I was actually excited about it. I think pregnant woman are so beautiful and I couldn't wait to feel the little baby kicks again. But now that I'm in the third trimester I am soooooo uncomfortable. I miss sleeping on my stomach and back,  and my hips hurt from having to sleep on my side all night. I'm so uncomfortable because I'm the size of a whale. Seriously, I'm bigger this time around and it's miserable. I know I said I loved the baby kicks, but Avett tries to karate chop his way out of my stomach multiple times a day. Don't even get me started on my bladder. How is it possible to pee this many times a day? I really try not to complain. I am so excited to be having another baby, but I'm done being pregnant. I'm ready to be a normal human being again.

Well, this is all for now. Kynlee's is starting to wake up from a late nap, but I'll be back. Soon this time, promise.


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